6 Mysteries About Your Own Body Science Still Can’t Explain

The human race has scaled the tallest mountains, charted the deepest oceans and played a quick front nine on the freaking moon, but there’s one frontier that still largely mystifies us--our own bodies. Why do we yawn? Why do we blush? We assume such everyday phenomenon must have been explained ages ago, but in reality asking these simple questions of a scientist will net you at best a shrug, and at worst some bullshit he just made up off the top of his head.


Adolescence

Hey teenagers, need something else to add to your angst pile? Turns out these awkward times you’re going through are far from universal in the animal kingdom. It’s only humans Mother Nature decided to kick in the nuts, cursing guys in particular to years encased in an opposite sex repelling bubble of greasy awkwardness. What evolutionary sense does it make that so many guys are confined to their parents’ basements smearing Clearasil on their face during their sexual prime years?

Possible Theories

Some scientists argue that guys’ half-decade of dorkdom is designed to force them develop traits chicks dig, like a sense of humour, artistic talent, and conversation skills. Honestly though this theory sounds like the wishful thinking of scientists who don’t want to face the ugly truth that their memorization of the periodic table and every Monty Python skit won’t be getting them in any girl’s pants ever.

Guys’ torment isn’t helped by the fact that most girls develop in the exact opposite way, growing adult-like bodies several years before they’re fully sexually mature. The result is a high school hellscape of sulking unsightly dudes who think of nothing but sex, and girls who look 20, but aren’t yet ready for it. Some scientists theorize that girls develop an outward appearance of maturity early in order to be accepted into adult female society where they can learn to cook, raise kids and do other girly stuff. We’re sure feminists love that one.

Scientists can’t even agree when exactly the adolescent phase evolved. Some believe teenagers existed as early as the Homo erectus era over a million years ago, while others think it’s a much more recent development. Until they find a Homo erectus skeleton holding a fossilized iPod filled with My Chemical Romance songs, we may never know for sure.


Cracked Solves the Mystery

God just has a real hang-up about teenagers humping.

Yawning

Yawning is associated with many things, tiredness, stress, listening to your dad’s high school football stories for the millionth time, but as of yet science can’t explain the underlying purpose of the yawn. Even more odd is the fact that yawning spreads from person to person faster than stomach flu in a kindergarten class.

Possible Theories

The prevailing theory since the days of ancient Greece was that low oxygen levels in the blood triggered yawning, with the yawn providing a quick influx of the gas. As is usually the case though, it turns out people from back in the day didn’t know what the hell they were talking about. In fact it’s been found yawning may actually decrease oxygen intake.

So with that antiquated theory out of the way, it was time to turn to more sophisticated ideas. Ideas like yawning being the body’s way of controlling brain temperature. Yeah, apparently scientists think our brains function with all the complexity of an old car engine. The “proof” of this was experiments in which it was found people with cool packs attached to their heads yawned less. The greater scientific community’s response to the finding that people sitting in an unfamiliar lab with ice packs on their heads weren’t much in a yawning mood was basically “no duh”.

Also, all the people studied were Wilford Brimley impersonators for some reason.

As for why yawning is contagious, some scientists have pointed to human being’s primitive herd instincts. Group yawning could have helped regulate sleeping patterns, so that a “whoops, we all feel asleep at once and got eaten by giant sloths” situation didn’t develop. This remains merely a theory though, and of course still doesn’t explain while people yawn while on their own.

Cracked Solves the Mystery

Yawning is nature’s evolutionary defence against shitty parties.

Placebo Effect

Unlike other entries on this list, it’s not so much that we don’t understand why the placebo effect exists (it’s of obvious benefit), we just don’t get how it works. Why do placebos work as well as actual medical techniques in up to 50 to 60 percent of cases, and why is the phenomenon becoming more and more powerful? Also, how is ExtenZe able to make that special part of the male anatomy up to 25% bigger? Mysteries abound.

Possible Theories

There’s debate over whether the placebo effect is even real at all, with some believing and that most recoveries attributed to the effect can be explained by the body’s natural healing abilities. Yes, it’s possible 50 to 60 percent of what the trillion dollar medical industry does could be achieved by staying home, resting and watching daytime TV. Try not to think about that one too much or you may end up on YouTube screaming something at a town hall meeting.

Others say that placebo effect is all in the brain, and while it’s true that our brains can release mixtures of chemicals with painkilling abilities, it can’t all be in our heads. The placebo effect has been found to help everything from warts, to heart disease, to asthma. Doctors have even gone so far as to conduct sham knee surgeries that were almost as effective as the real thing. This is stuff all the rest, nice thoughts and happy brain chemistry in the world isn’t going to make go away.

Some have even hypothesized the placebo effect may just be us unconsciously ignoring or repressing symptoms so we please our doctors. Trust us though, there’s better ways to land that hunky doctor.

Cracked Solves the Mystery

Baby Boomers fabricated the concept to give them an excuse to legalize medical marijuana.

Hey maan, lemme lay some medical advice on ya.

Dreaming

Even though human beings are obsessed with dissecting and interpreting them, we really know very little about dreams. What causes them, why we have them, what they mean—you name it, we don’t know it. Sorry, you’re just going to have wait on a explanation of that time you dreamt about giving Gary Busey a backrub while riding a flying armadillo.

Possible Theories

The old Freudian theory was that dreams were expressions of our unconscious desires, but none of the cool psychologists still follow Freud these days. Besides, if Freud was right far too many people have a sick fetish for being forced to take pop quizzes in their underwear.

ALL MY DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE!

Others have suggested dreaming is a way for our brain to formulate new ideas through the use of “random thought mutations”, which sounds more like the title for some New Age album than anything scientific. Still the notion that we could somehow create a super powered idea, capable of kicking the asses of mere regular ideas, through the power of mutation has its appeal.

Another theory states that dreaming is our brain tidying itself up and disposing of useless “junk thoughts”. In order to buy this idea though you have to accept that the average guy’s dreams about tits and being Batman are junk, and we’re sure you agree that’s simply unacceptable.

There’s also mounting evidence that much of what influences our dreams comes from outside, not inside, our heads. Noises and scents may have an effect on the content of our dreams, and we bet your wacky tealeaf reading, dream-interpreting aunt didn’t take into account the Earth’s geomagnetic activity during her analysis.

Cracked Solves the Mystery

Dreams do have one evolutionary advantage—scoring flattery points.

Blushing

Darwin considered blushing the “most peculiar” of human expressions, and had a hell of a time trying to explain why people would evolve such an obvious tell for when we’re lying or feel vulnerable, considering our lives and relationships are all built on a precarious foundation or half-lies, unspoken truths and outright bullshit. Despite the passing of over 100 years we still don’t understand blushing any better than Darwin did.

Possible Theories

One idea is that blushing developed as a way of appeasing and submitting to dominant members of society. This doesn’t make a whole lot of sense though as everyone blushes, dominant personality or not, and the whole process is involuntary anyways. Relying on something that you can’t control to please the tribe leader back in primitive times seems like a good way to get yourself tossed in the volcano.

Some scientists, noting that women blush more than guys, have suggested that blushing developed specifically so they could prove they were honest and submissive towards men. Once again, we’re sure feminists love that one.

I just questioned a man! Curse my wicked mouth!

Others have gone the complete opposite direction, positing that blushing is not a sign of submission, but one of anger. We’re all narcissists at heart and when somebody publicly shows us up or embarrasses us, blushing is basically us sending them an involuntary screw-you. We can see why some would like this theory, since it makes someone who blushes and mumbles their way through all their social interactions sound like a badass.

Cracked Solves the Mystery

It’s nature’s way of outing who in the group just farted.

Goddammit Grandma.

Pubic Hair

Anyone who’s caught themselves an eyeful of flapping chimpanzee dong at the zoo can attest to the difference between humans and our ape cousins when it comes to body hair distribution. Most apes have furry bodies and their monkey junk flies free, while humans take the exact opposite approach, sporting mostly naked bodies with the exception of impressive bushes. Why are our naughty bits surrounded with hair that attracts lice, bacteria and makes most pornos filmed before 1980 nearly unwatchable today?

Possible Theories

Traditionally the idea has been that pubic hair was for warmth and protection from dirt and debris, which makes a fair amount of sense for women, but zero for men who have the actual important bits dangling mostly hairless in the breeze.

A more modern theory is that pubes are meant to capture pheromone-laden sweat, although some question the appeal of musty crotch smell. Some argue it developed as a sexual ornament for attracting mates, like a sad, kind of gross equivalent of a peacock displaying its tail. Others believe the exact opposite; that having less pubic hair is an evolutionary advantage. Certainly most cultures throughout history (with a few exceptions, like those weirdos in Japan) haven’t really prized the stuff.

Hell, there was even an old hypothesis that our short and curlies exist to give babies something to grab and hold onto. We really don’t want to know about the family life of folks who came up with that one.

The dull way of carrying a baby.

Cracked Solves the Mystery

Pubes exist to make you the awesomest dude in the showers after middle school gym class.

Nathan Birch also writes the fur filled comic Zoology

Despite being popular for much of history, moustaches are now the style equivalent of wearing parachute pants on your upper lip. Thankfully, a few segments of the population continue to brandish their push brooms with pride.

Original Gangstas: The 7 Most Hardcore Blues Songs Written Before 1950

Your grandparents are full of shit. What they don’t mention as they grumble about the rap music destroying civilization, was that the blues they were listening to in the 30s and 40s could be every bit as violent, sexually explicit and sometimes just downright insane as the worst gansta rap has to offer. Compared to some of these vintage lyrics the members of N.W.A are levelheaded concerned citizens, and Eminem’s a regular feminist.


“22-20 Blues” by Skip James

“22-20 Blues” tells the tale of a woman who just won’t get her act straight. See, Skip James sent for her, on several occasions, and yet she didn’t show up! The brazen audacity! Of course in the world of blues there’s only one way to deal with minor punctuality issues – murder.

Big on punctuality.

A Few Choice Quotes

You know, sometimes she gets unruly
An she act like she just don't wanna do
Sometimes she gets unruly
An she act like she just don't wanna do
But I get my 22-20
I cut that woman half in two

Oh, your.38 Special
Buddy, it's most too light
Your .38 Special
Buddy, it's most too light
But my 22-20
Will make ev'rything, alright

Shooting your woman with a mere .38 pistol? That’s for pussies. Ironically James soon found himself humbled when Robert Johnson recorded a far more popular version of his song. The only real change Johnson made? He upped the calibre and named it the “32-20 Blues”. It was all about the gun size with those boys.


“If You’se a Viper” by Stuff Smith

More than a few rappers have based their careers on professing their affection for certain smokeable substances, a proud tradition that dates back to jazz and blues from as early as the 1920s. Apparently one of the worst side effects of pot is smokers’ inability to stop writing songs about it.

This guy liked to do drugs? No way.

A Few Choice Quotes

Talk about a reefer of five feet long
Not too fat and not too strong

Come on now, 5-feet? That’s just impractical.

Now when your throat get dry
And you know you're high
Everything is dandy
Truck on down to your candy store
Get you kicks off peppermint candy

Peppermint candy? The munchies sucked in the pre-Doritos era.


“Whoopee Blues” by King Solomon Hill

Another song about a poor blues man having to deal with a mean mistreating woman. King Solomon Hill isn’t one to settle for mere murder though, he wants his woman sent to hell to do it with the Devil, which strikes us as just a tad judgemental. We’re no theologians, but we’re pretty sure slashing your girlfriend to death with a razor is pretty much a one-way ticket to becoming Satan’s bitch.

Don't worry, he's in hell now.

A Few Choice Quotes

Wherever you been gone all day, that you may make whoopee all night
Tell me you been gone all day, that you may make whoopee all night
I'm gonna take my razor and cut your late hours,
You wouldn't think I'd be servin' you right

Undertaker been here and gone, I gave him your height and seize
I said, Undertaker been here and gone, I gave him your height and seize
You be makin' whoopee with the devil in hell tomorrow night

Apparently undertakers didn’t ask a whole lot of questions back then.

You made me love you, now you got me for your slave
Baby, you done made me love you, now I got me for your slave
From now you'll be makin' whoopee, deep in your lonesome grave

Ahhh, now we see. He did it because he cared too much!


“Mad Mama Blues” by Josie Miles


Obviously violence against women was a bit of an unfortunate theme of early blues, but as Josie Miles shows, female blues singers didn’t shrink from a bit of insane violence either. Josie doesn’t even need a reason, in “Mad Mama Blues” she’s out to wreck the city like Godzilla in a cocktail dress and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

A Few Choice Quotes

Now I could see blood runnin’
Through the streets
Now I could see blood runnin’
Through the streets
Could be everyone
Layin’ dead right right at my feet.

“Hello?! 9-11? Quick! You have to…oh God, she’s coming!”

Give me gunpowder
Give me dynamite
Give me gunpowder
Give me dynamite
Yes I’d wreck the city
Wanna blow it up tonight

“It’s Josie Miles!”

I took my big Winchester
Down off the shelf
I took my big Winchester
Down off the shelf
When I get through shootin’
There won’t be nobody left

“Send the police! The national guard! Before it’s too…arrrraaghaghh!”

“Shave ‘Em Dry” by Lucille Bogan

Odds are Lucille Bogan had just has sex when this picture was taken.

Looking at a picture of Lucille Bogan it’s easy to imagine her as the motherly type, making breakfast and scolding you for your dirty mouth, but in reality beneath the modest exterior was the queen of the “dirty blues”, and the writer of such classics as “Sloppy Drunk Blues”, “Tricks Ain’t Walkin’ No More” and the “Bull Dyke Women’s Blues”.

Her most infamous song was “Shave ‘Em Dry”, a 3-minute ode to her own humping prowess so filthy it would Lil’ Kim blush.

A Few Choice Quotes

I got nipples on my titties, big as the end of my thumb,
I got somethin’ between my legs’ll make a dead man come

You know it’s a good song when the first two lines reference necrophilia and thumb-sized nipples.

Say I fucked all night, and all the night before baby,
And I feel just like I wanna, fuck some more

You know how people ask which dead celebrity you’d like to meet if you could? We submit Lucille Bogan for your consideration.

Now your nuts hang down like a damn bell sapper,
And your dick stands up like a steeple,
Your goddamn asshole stands open like a church door,
And the crabs walks in like people.

Er, actually we take that back.


“Butcher Pete” by Roy Brown

So, there were plenty of old blues songs that were either horrifically violent, or sexually explicit, but Roy Brown wasn’t a man to be satisfied with just one or the other. His song “Butcher Pete” is about a guy who goes around the countryside “chopping up all the women’s meat” with his “long sharp knife”. Get it? This is a rare example where hiding the sexual content behind double entendres and innuendo somehow made the song a thousand times more offensive.

Jeez, this song is getting a bit offensive. Better add some graphic stabbings.

A Few Choice Quotes

Ever since Peter flew into town
He's been havin' a ball
Just cuttin' and choppin' for miles around
Single women, married women, old maids and all
It’s nice to know Butcher Pete doesn’t discriminate. Old maids need chopping too.

The police put Pete in jail
Yes, he finally met his faith
But when they came to pay his bail
They found him choppin' up his cellmate

Whoa whoa, wait. Chopping up his cellmate? Come on blues guys, you already beat rap to the punch when it comes to horrifying violence and misogyny, do you have to claim suspiciously gay lyrics too?


“A to Z Blues” by Blind Willie McTell

From Ray Charles to Stevie Wonder, the list of beloved blind performers is a long one, but as Blind Willie McTell proves, not all blind musicians are quite so cuddly.

The blindness was the only thing that limited his carnage.
At first the “A to Z Blues” seems to be a standard “my woman done me wrong” blues song, but then Blind Willie goes and gets creative. The result is a song that sounds like something that might have been created had Sesame Street ever been visited by Charlie Manson.

A Few Choice Quotes

I’m gonna cut your head four different ways.
That’s long, short, deep and wide.

Cutting heads is a lost art. Most kids today would probably know 2 different ways max.

When I get a rhythm of this rusty black handle razor
you’re gonna be booked out for an ambulance ride.
Cause I’m gonna cut A, B, C, D on top of your head
That’s gonna be treating you nice like mama you ain’t gonna be dead.

Keeping someone alive as you slowly carve the alphabet into them is one of the more liberal definitions of “nice” we’ve heard. Wait, why are you backing away? We still have 22 more letters to go!

I’m gonna cut E, F, G right across your face.
H, I, J, K, that’s where runnin’ bound to take place.
Cut L, M, N cross both your arms.
You’ll sell an’ peddle gal your whole life long.
Cut N, O, P, Q that’s gonna be trouble too
Cause I’m gonna grab you mama and turn you every way but loose.
Cut R, S, T to hear you cry
That’ll be the last time tears a run from over your eyes.
Cut U, V, W on the bottom of your feet.
That’ll be the last time you walk up an’ down 25th street.
Marking cross your bosom with X, Y, Z
When I get through with this alphabet
You’ll quit your messing with me.

Blind Willie’s dedication to educating as he horrifies is nothing short of inspirational really.

Nathan Birch also writes the not at all gangsta webcomic Zoology.

5 Ways Other People Can Make You Lose Your Goddamn Mind

We all like to think we have a firm grip on our sanity, but drop anybody into a group of people and they can, given the right conditions, go from level headed to frighteningly insane in the time it takes to shit their pants. You may want to remember this stuff for any future insanity pleas.


Public Panics

For all our stuffed crusts, miracle boner pills and other marvellous achievements, modern man hasn’t strayed from his primitive herd mentality as much we’d like to think. When our caveman ancestors were threatened, there wasn’t time to form a committee and canvas opinions on how to address the big furry thing dragging children into the jungle. In order to survive the group had to be able to act immediately as a coherent unit without any thought or coordination. While our mind’s ability to suppress our own personality and conform to the will of the pack on a moment’s notice certainly helped our ancestors avoid becoming sabre-toothed tiger poop, today it’s often the cause of a lot stupid and downright frightening behaviour.

Public panics represent this herd mentality in it’s purest form, with irrational fear spreading from one person to another like a disease, until people are convinced alien invaders are on their way, or that a Mad Max-esque apocalyptic wasteland is inevitable because their computer's calendar only goes up 1999. A particularly retarded event took place in England during the 19th century. A chicken began laying eggs inscribed with the message “Christ is coming”, inciting mass hysteria and countless religious conversions, that is until it was discovered the owner of the animal was simply writing the messages on the eggs and shoving them back in the chicken. God works in mysterious ways and all, but we’d like to think news of the second coming wouldn’t come out of a chicken’s ass.

Speaking of God, this next phenomenon was seemingly created by him as a gift to comedy writers. Genital retraction syndrome, or penis panics, involve all the guys in an area being overcome by the belief that their junk is shrinking/disappearing. There’s a good chance you’ve read at least one short story about this in the “What are Those Wacky Foreigners Doing Now?” section of the paper, since apparently this shit happens all the goddamn time. We chuckle at this, but take a second to imagine how you might react if you genuinely thought somebody was making your dong disappear.

Mobs are formed, people are butchered and hey, why not, let’s blame the Jews. It ain’t pretty. Cracked.com, not afraid to bring you the dark side of dick jokes.


Hysterical Contagion

Human beings have an innate need to mimic others. Subconsciously we’re constantly synchronizing everything from our moods to expressions to posture with those around us. We’ve all been doing it since the day we were born, as babies essentially learn how to be human by imitating every expression and emotion of their parents. Sometimes people take this mimicry far beyond moods and expressions though. In the case of hysterical contagion very real physical ailments or symptoms will manifest in people without any underlying cause. In most cases the spread starts with a single person who, more often than not, never had anything actually wrong with them in the first place. Turns out “fire!” isn’t the only thing you shouldn’t yell in a crowded theatre.

The most well known case of hysterical contagion was the 1962 June Bug Epidemic. It was a regular day at the Strongsville textile factory, or at least it was until one-by-one the women working there were stricken with dizziness, rashes and vomiting. The cause of this mystery plague according to the women? An evil June bug that could make you sick with a bite, which of course is absurd, but no other cause of the illness was ever found. What surprises us is the lack of any low-budget horror movies based on the incident.

There have been bigger, and much more stupid, incidents. In Portugal, teen soap opera with a filthy sounding name “Strawberries and Sugar” ran a storyline about a deadly virus. Soon hundreds of kids across the country were seemingly contracting the same symptoms as the TV characters. It got so bad 14 Portuguese schools had to be closed due to the epidemic. Say what you will about America’s youth, but at least we never lost our minds watching Saved by the Bell. Wasted them, sure, but we didn’t lose them.

This is what madness looks like in Portugal.

Oh, and the toxic woman mentioned in this previous Cracked article may have also been an example, but it’s more fun to believe she was a gamma ray emitting mutant from the lagoon of death.


Cryptids and Folk Monsters

We’ve all been taught that monsters don’t exist, and yet somehow tales and sightings of legendary creatures continue to be pervasive. These legendary beasts are known as cryptids, and believe it or not, not all of them are the fabrications of moonshine swilling hillbillies. For those who believe, their experiences with these creatures can be very real, and in some cases these delusions can become widespead in an area. A possible explanation could be Folie à deux, a rare phenomenon in which a fullblown mental disorder can be trasferred from one person to another.

Mental disorders such as the delusional belief that this cuddly fellow exists for instance…

Despite looking like a refugee from the pages of “Where the Wild Things Are”, back in 2001 the Monkey Man of Delhi caused some serious apeshit to hit the fan. Delhi was driven into a frenzy, with countless people witnessing the critter. People would show up with wounds supposedly caused the Monkey Man (most of them self inflicted), midgets were mistaken for the creature and pummelled, and reportedly as many as 3-people leapt to their deaths trying to “escape” it. One of the last sightings of the Monkey Man was of him boarding a Russian airliner. Not saying we believe in all this, but if the Cold War sparks up again, I think we know who to blame.

Some monster scares involved more human threats. Take for example Spring-Heeled Jack, a shadowy figure that terrorized England during the 19th century with his claws, glowing eyes and amazing leaping ability. There continues to be debate over whether he actually exited in some form, but he kind of looked like Batman, so he couldn’t have been all bad.

Crazes

If public panics are the result of fear, crazes occur are when people become insanely enthusiastic about something. While ancient defence mechanisms may explain public panics, it’s not as clear what causes people to become irrationally passionate about something. A contributing factor could be Collective effervescence, a powerful, usually positive energy people perceive when in a group of people. It explains such timeless mysteries as why people still cheer for the Cubs and why nobody at a rave realizes how retarded they look. Sometimes this collective effervescence can escalate into full-blown mania, with people suffering hallucinations, delusions and totally losing control of their actions.

Take Dancing Mania for example. Kind of sounds like the title of Time Life CD collection, but it’s not as harmless as you might think. The Dancing Plague of 1518 involved hundreds of people feverishly dancing for nearly a month straight, only stopping when most of them died heart attacks or exhaustion. At least the dancing plague took place during the 1500s and not the 1990s; nobody should have to die doing the Macarena.

Dance of the damned.

But forget dancing mania, let’s talk nuns gone wild. During the 15th century nuns in one convent after another began taking chomps out each other, as nun biting mania spread across Europe. Around the same time a large convent of nuns in France decided to up the crazy stakes, and all began meowing together, only stopping when the police theatened beat them with rods. To be fair, a life of forced celibacy mike make us want to do a bit of meowing and biting ourselves.

For a more recent example we head back to the crowd based crazy capital of the world, India. In 2006, the residents of Mumbai claimed the water in their creek had turned sweet and the craze was on, with thousands of people flocking to drink the water believing it was a divine miracle. Yeah, turns out now so much. The creek in question was one of the most polluted in India, receiving tons of raw sewage daily, and officials believe people thought it tasted sweet simply because, for whatever reason, the river was temporarily less contaminated. India, where temporarily having less shit in your drinking water is considered a miracle.

Riots

So crowds can make you sick, drive you insane with fear, and make you drink shit, but what happens when instead of going into defensive mode, as in a public panic, a crowd lashes out in anger? Well then you’ve got a riot, and you’ve got some serious trouble. Riots usually form around a single aggressive person (or perhaps a small group of them), willing the make the first violent move, and then spreads, with normally peaceful people getting caught up in the frenzy. But hey, people wouldn’t riot without a good reason, right?

Well, no. Of course there’s a long and proud history of people getting way too worked up about their favourite sports teams, dating back to the 6th century when Constantinople was rocked by the Nika revolt, a riot that would put the work of Britain’s best soccer hooligans to shame. Started over chariot racing, by the end of the riot half of Constantinople was destroyed and approximately 30-thousand people were dead.

But it’s not just sports fans that like a good riot; music fans can get in on the fun too. During the 19th and early 20th century it became fairly commonplace for the performance of new classical music pieces to degenerate into melees. Riots at concerts continue to this day, like the one that rocked Woodstock ’99 after a performance by this modern day Mozart…

The power of crowds made thousands of poeple lose their shit over this douchebag. Be afraid.
Nathan Birch also writes the hysterical webcomic Zoology.

Star Dreck: The 7 Stupidest Trek Alien Races in the Galaxy

Anyone who questions the existence of life on other planets has obviously never watched Star Trek, because if they had they’d know our galaxy is positively swarming with aliens sporting all manner of exotic forehead ridges and snug sequined outfits. Not all Trek species are created equal though. While the Vulcans and Klingons have inspired sweaty, creepy, nerd devotion for decades, the aliens on this list mostly prove just how retarded the final frontier can be.


The Iotians

Appeared in: Star Trek, Episode 49 “A Piece of the Action”.

Looking to score yourself some bootleg Romulan ale, a few green hookers, and the best damn cannoli in the quadrant? Well head on over to Sigma Iotia II, home of low-down dirty space mobsters, the Iotians.

Never before has a man looked so smug wearing a straw hat and purple bow tie.

Now you’re probably wondering, why the hell is there a planet populated entirely by cartoonish Italian mobster stereotypes? Don’t worry, there’s a perfectly logical answer. See, 100-years before Kirk and crew stumbled upon them, a previous Federation ship had visited the planet and some dope left behind that classic piece of 22nd century literature “Chicago Mobs of the 1920s”. Upon finding and somehow decoding the book the Iotians, in a perfectly reasonable move, decided these drug peddling mass murderers would be the perfect folks to model their entire society after.

Then again, maybe the mobsters described in “Chicago Mobs of the 1920s” weren’t so bad. A kinder gentler breed of gangster. What else could explain the fact that this dork takes over the entire planet within the span of 30 minutes?

Thought the ending to the Sopranos was bad? Their original idea was even worse.

By the way, this was hardly the only time Trek producers had the crew dress up in stock costumes and romp around some Hollywood backlot. How do you top space mobsters as villains though? Well…

We would have given them their own entry, but there's a limited amount of hilarity to be wrung from the Third Reich.

Video Evidence of Iotian Lameness

Thrill as Kirk defeats the big bad gangsters with a game of 52 Pickup!



The Xyrillians

Appeared in: Star Trek Enterprise, Episode 4 “The Unexpected”.

Sex and Star Trek don’t mix. Almost every episode that’s approached the subject has crashed and burned as fast and hard as a Trekkie at speed dating. Even the birds and bees, a subject we trust 7-year olds to be mature enough to handle, is enough to make the Trek writers lose their goddamn minds. For proof of this we refer you to the Xyrillians.

In the 22nd century this is considered irresistible.

Xyrillian impregnation requires only minor physical contact, the men carry the children, and only the genetics of the mother are passed on. So in other words, a brief brush of the hand with a woman and suddenly a guy is stuck carrying a baby that isn’t even his. If this society were at all realistic the guys would all be wearing full-body condoms 24-hours a day, or would have long since split the planet down the middle using a giant wall with “NO SMELLY GIRLS ALLOWED!” written in 50-foot letters on it.

The questions just keep coming (at least they do assuming you read your grade 7 health textbook). Why would a male sex even continue to exist if they don’t pass on their genetic material? Why would women continue to sport obvious mammalian breasts and childbearing hips under their shiny silver jumpsuits if they have nothing to do with carrying the babies? Where do the writers who came up with this crap live so we can go punch them in the face?

Oh and yes, Futurama fans may recall an episode in which it’s revealed Zap Brannigan’s assistant Kif reproduces similarly to the Xyrillians. Trust us though, the cartoon made a hell of a lot more sense.

Video Evidence of Xyrillian Lameness

We could only find this brief trailer for the episode the Xyrillians appear in, but it hits the major notes. Commander Trip Tucker having the hots for an alien that looks to be descended from a salamander, pregnant dudes, people making lots of silly faces and of course the wrist nipple. How Rick Berman and Brannon Braga managed to survive 2 more seasons as the top Trek producers instead of being immediately shot out of a cannon after writing this episode we don’t know.



The J’naii

Appeared in: Star Trek The Next Generation, Episode 116 “The Outcast”.

Considering the Trek writers couldn’t even deal properly with an episode about where babies come from, you can imagine how well things went when they tried to tackle the complex subject of homosexuality.

The J’naii are a genderless androgynous race, which deeply opposes any kind of sexual activity. Now most men would likely be deterred in the face of overwhelming cultural opposition and a confusing genital situation, but Commander William T. Riker isn’t most men.

Once Riker hits the planet and starts spreading his beardy musk around, a J’naii named Soren immediately decides he/she wouldn’t mind a ride on his “number one”. This brings up the question, are the J’naii actually genderless or are they just a race of aliens with bad haircuts and primitive bra technology? It doesn’t help that the Trek producers had women play all the J’naii, making them come off less androgynous, and more like a planet of lesbian man-haters.

The result is the episode’s message ends up completely garbled. Intended as a condemnation of homophobia, the episode instead comes off as the story of one woman’s brave quest for cock in the face of lesbian tyranny.

It's worse than I thought. My sensors indicate a Class-5 bowl cut.

Video Evidence of J’naii Lameness

From Soren and Riker’s least-sexy talk about sex ever at the beginning to Worf’s hilarious casual misogyny at the end, these may be the most uncomfortable 10-minutes of Trek ever.



The Kohms and Yangs

Appeared in: Star Trek, Episode 55 “The Omega Glory”.

It’s common for aliens in the Trek universe to be metaphors created to address contemporary political or cultural issues, but in the case of the Kohms and Yangs subtlety was set on fire, strapped to a dump truck full of dynamite and rolled off a cliff.

The Kohms all look to be Chinese, wear goofy Russian fur hats and are generally a bunch of jerks. The Yangs on the other hand are white, blonde, manly men who love freedom. It doesn’t take Kirk long to deduce that the Yangs were once known as “Yankees” and the Kohms were “Communists”. The Yangs even worship a replica of the United States Constitution and use an American Flag as their symbol.

So how did these space Americans and Commies come to exist? Time travel? Uh, tachyon rays? M-rays? Some sort of rays? Nope, apparently this exact mirror of the cold war during the 1960s developed purely by chance. It’s explained that this is perfectly plausible due to Hodgkin's Law of Parallel Planetary Development, although we think Gene Roddenberry’s Law of “Let’s Get This Goddamn Script Done so We Can Hit the Links” is what was really at work.

Video Evidence of Kohm and Yang Lameness

Kirk’s patriotic speech is stirring and all, but he seems to have forgotten he represents the Federation, not the United States, and in fact according to the Trek timeline the US hadn’t existed for over 100-years by this time. Also he’s played by a Canadian, and you know you can’t trust anything they say.



The Greek Gods

Appeared in: Star Trek, Episode 34 “Who Mourns for Adonais?”

“But wait” you say, “the Greek Gods weren’t aliens!”

Well, that’s what you think. Thankfully Star Trek knows better. See turns out the Greek Gods were a race of aliens that lived on a planet named Pollux IV and traveled to Earth 5000-years ago to dick around with us. By the time the Enterprise arrives at Pollux IV, only Apollo is left for no particularly well-explained reason (other than a limited casting budget).

MORTALS! PULL...MY...FINGER!!!

If you’re expecting a twist, wherein it’s revealed Apollo is a fake, don’t. The episode plays it completely straight. Apollo is an actual god who can make giant green Enterprise grabbing hands appear in space and throw lightning bolts, which comes off as completely out of place in a series that usually goes to ridiculous lengths to come up with “scientific” explanations for all the silly shit that happens in any given episode.

Also as far as Gods go, Apollo is a complete loser. Kirk is less afraid of him than a trip to the dentist and in the end of the episode Apollo decides to end it all because a chick he met a few hours ago rejected him. Seriously, what a pussy.

Video Evidence of Greek God Lameness

See what happens when Apollo dares to step to the real God of the Trek universe, William Shatner. Also, that gold toga/miniskirt is something isn’t it?



The Sky Spirits

Appeared in: Star Trek Voyager, Episode 24 “Tattoo”.

Okay, so the Trek writers turned the Greek Gods into aliens. Big deal, right? It’s not like anybody really worships them anymore. No, to really offend people they’d need to do something like write an episode where it’s implied Native American culture was entirely the creation of aliens who flew to Earth thousands of years ago to educate the “savages” living there.

Wait, they actually wrote an episode like that? In 1995? Christ.

The episode stars Commander Chakotay who, when stranded on a strange planet, does the logical thing and gets naked and wanders into a cave, where he runs into a bunch of white, blonde haired aliens who by completely implausible coincidence have the same tattoo on their faces as he does.

Also, I've got a pretty cool Tazmanian devil on my bicep.

They explain the whole “we’re responsible for your whole culture thing” which Chakotay takes entirely at face value, since doing otherwise would have required him to show emotion and for once not be one of the most boring Trek characters ever. Then Chakotay flies off and his discovery, one of the most culturally significant revelations in human history, is never mentioned again.

Video Evidence of Sky Spirit Lameness

Watch as the Voyager writers trot out one cliché about Native Americans after another until you half expect Chakotay to start weeping at the sight someone littering. Also featured; the most drawn out crash-landing sequence ever!



The Catullans

Appeared in: Star Trek, Episode 76 “This Way to Eden”.

Oh yeah baby, it’s time for the Catullans, aka the Space Hippies. Far out! Now man, now! Wavy Gravy! Okay, that’s enough of that.

Apparently the Trek make-up artist confused hippies with Oompa Loompas.

So anyways, the Enterprise is tracking a stolen spaceship, which they manage to catch up to when the irresponsible layabouts piloting it let the engines overheat. The ship stealing aliens are beamed aboard, and upon arrival they immediately start busting out trippy tunes on their space guitars and rebelling against the Man, rudely chanting “Herbert” at Kirk whenever he tries to talk sense into their thick hippie skulls. Come on guys, be cool, if you just got to know Kirk you’d realize the only reason he keeps hanging around is because he’s hoping for an orgy to break out.

Spock gets all chicks.

It seems the Catullans are on a quest to find a planet named Eden, and after seducing the crew with rock music and their brazen navel-exposing women, they take over the ship. The Catullans find Eden and beam themselves down, but when Kirk and the crew follow only minutes later they find the Catullans have all accidentally killed or injured themselves eating poison fruit or walking on acidic plants in their bare feet. Silly space hippies, if only you’d listened to authority!

Christ, we leave you alone for five minutes...

Oh and by the way, the main hippie who dies from eating poison fruit was named Adam. Get it? Adam? Eden? Consider your mind blown man.

Video Evidence of Catullan Lameness

Charles Napier in rainbow colored hotpants jamming with Commander Spock? The seamy seduction of Ensign Chekov? We take it back, the Catullans are awesome.



Nathan Birch also writes the far out webcomic Zoology.

6 Superstitions We All Believe and Why They Actually Make (Some) Sense

Superstitions are only for the gullible, and old men to bark at you from their front porch while waving canes, right? Perhaps, and yet you’re probably not going to walk under a ladder if you can help it, there’s always that twinge of regret when you break a mirror, and you spent most of last weekend making sure that voodoo doll of your ex looked just right. Where do these almost universal superstitions come from, and could their origins be more logical than we think?


Breaking a Mirror

Break a mirror, get 7-years bad luck. It may seem silly, but you probably still take extra care never to drop one, and generally do your best to avoid hall-of-mirrors shootouts and kung-fu battles.

Where the Hell Did This Come From?

After a hard day clubbing various things to drag back to his cave and hump, a caveman wanders to the lake for a drink and sees his own handsome sloping brow reflected back at him from the water. Having no knowledge of optics (at this point mankind’s still struggling with pointed-stick technology) it was a logical leap for him to believe that this reflection was a duplication of himself and shared a part of his soul. This way of thinking stubbornly held for millennia, with the belief being that damaging a mirror would damage a part of your soul or cause it to be trapped in the mirror forever.

There’s also a more simple explanation. Glass mirrors (as opposed to less breakable ones made of polished metal) weren’t really available until the 16th century and were very expensive luxuries reserved for the upper classes. If the servants that cleaned these mirrors were to break one, well, let’s just say it was a lot easier to replace a human being back then than a mirror. Also, if a more middle class family were to buy one and then break it, it would probably take quite a while to scrounge up the money for a new one (say around 7 years). Well, unless they sold off a few kids.

Spilling Salt

Spill salt and you’d better toss a pinch over your left shoulder or you’ll be in for bad luck. Oddly though, if you do the same thing after spilling the ketchup people tend to get all offended.

Where the Hell Did This Come From?

Salt’s ability to cure infections, purify water and make your wife’s shitty cooking tolerable if you dumped enough on led to it being worshipped by much of the ancient world. But wait a minute, tears were salty and plants wouldn’t grow anywhere salt had been dropped. The message from God was clear, salt was pretty awesome stuff, but if you let any fall, watch your ass.

Aside from that, salt simply used to be very valuable (the term “salary” comes from the fact that Roman soldiers were paid in salt). Mindlessly spilling the salt at a host’s table back in the day would be the equivalent today of taking their fine china out back for skeet shooting practice, or accidentally sitting on their purebred Lhasa Apso’s head.

This thing is a Lhasa Apso. Explaining jokes makes them funnier.

But why toss it over your shoulder? Well people used to believe that evil spirits, or the devil himself, hung over your shoulder waiting for you to slip up. The goal of throwing salt over your shoulder was to nail that asshole in the eyes, a technique repeatedly proven effective by numerous 80s pro-wrestlers.


The Rabbit’s Foot

While not particularly lucky for countless bunnies left dragging bloody stumps around, millions of people each year buy rabbit’s feet hoping they’ll bring them good luck and prosperity.

Where the Hell Did This Come From?

The simplest explanation is that rabbits’ ability to pump out offspring faster than a Catholic Angelina Jolie resulted in them being connected with potency and good luck (in other words, you may want to watch out if you find a few in a girl’s purse guys).

Rabbits are also nocturnal, and thus have long been associated with the moon. Easter, the actual most important Christian holiday on the calendar for those who worship more than buying shit, is also determined by the phases of the moon. Combine the moon tie-in with rabbits’ legendary humping abilities (which signifies rebirth) and you see how Jesus somehow got associated with these fluffy rodent-ey creatures, and surely anything Jesus/Easter related has to be lucky (just ignore the whole crucifixion thing that precipitated the holiday).

But why is the back foot specifically lucky? Well hares (which are often confused with rabbits) are one of the very few 4-legged animals whose back feet hit the ground before their front feet while running. The bar for impressing people back in the day was apparently set pretty damn low, and the strange tracks hares left were enough to convince people the back foot must have magical qualities.


Four-Leaf Clover

This Irish symbol is possibly the most well known good luck charm in the world, which is somewhat odd considering the whole “luck of the Irish” thing is a bit of an oxymoron.

Where the Hell Did This Come From?

The simplest reason the four-leaf clover is considered lucky is because they’re so rare, with only around 1 in 10,000 clovers sporting four leaflets. At least they were rare, as these days there are numerous places to buy your very own four-leaf clover online (although if you’re the type of person who thinks paying 25 dollars for an clover on the Internet is a good idea, the problems in your life likely have little to do with luck).

The use of clover as a lucky charm dates back to pre-Christian times when Druidism was the religion of day in Ireland. Druids, basically the hippies of the day, were sun/nature worshippers and clover tends to spread in sunny areas, possibly explaining why druids felt a connection with the plant. The four leaves also have a fairly obvious cross-like appearance, which was a revered symbol even before Christianity.

Clover is also edible and in fact, quite nutritious (some people think it even helps fight cancer). The Irish probably considered finding a patch fortunate, if only because it was a change from all the goddamn potatoes. Oh, and the four-leaf clovers are totally the best marshmallow shape in Lucky Charms.

For those who don't have the time to wait to develop diabetes.

Groundhog Day

Every year on February 2nd people put their faith in the amazing weather predicting abilities of the noble groundhog, hoping he won’t see his shadow and doom them to 6 more weeks of snow, ice and numb testicles. Hey, why not? Its predictions are probably as likely to be accurate as any weatherman’s.

Now as you see here, my weathercock is balls deep in Indiana. Balls Deep.

Where the Hell Did This Come From?

Folks have always kept their eye out for the reemergence of hibernating animals, logically seeing it as a sign that spring was on the way. February 2nd is also the date for Candlemas, a holiday mostly celebrated in Europe (yes, there’s another Christian holiday out there that starts with “C” and ends in “mas”, please don’t tell Hallmark).

Like most Christian holidays Candlemas is basically an old Pagan tradition with fancy new Jesus decals slapped on. While the holiday is officially devoted to the purification of the Virgin Mary, in practice it was mostly used as the due date to throw out your Christmas tree and watch furry critters emerge from their holes. Germans had Candlemas traditions similar to Groundhog Day (except they used hedgehogs) and when they immigrated to America they tossed out all the religious parts of Candlemas, keeping only the fun “waiting around a varmint-hole drinking” stuff. The groundhog was chosen since it hibernated in the winter, sorta looked like a hedgehog (which aren’t native to North America) and because too many people got eaten when they tried waiting outside a bear’s cave.

But why does the groundhog seeing it’s shadow and returning to its burrow mean 6 more weeks of winter? Well there’s actually some meteorological truth to it. A winter day sunny enough to allow a rodent to see his shadow is likely to be colder than average since cloud cover actually insulates the earth. In other words, there’s nothing mystical going on here, Mr. Groundhog just went back inside because he was freezing his furry little ass off, and if it’s still too cold for him there’s probably more winter coming.


Black Cats

You’re walking down the street and freeze for a second as a strange black cat saunters by. Now in reality the cat was simply crossing your path because he saw a nice patch of unspoiled dirt he wanted to poop in, but superstition tells us we’re about to be visited by bad luck and death.

Where the Hell Did This Come From?

So how did something oh-so-cutesy and fluffy get associated with death, devilry and witchcraft?

Saints preserve us! It's a basket of Satan!

Well, a number of pre-Christian peoples such as the Norse, Celts and Egyptians had cat Gods, or at least considered the animal sacred. Once Christianity became the sexy new religion in town though, old beliefs were branded witchcraft and cats found themselves guilty by association. Often simply owning a cat was considered proof of witchery and there was widespread extermination of cats during medieval times, which kind of backfired when they were no longer around to kill plague-infested rats, which in turn wiped out half of Europe. Whoops. But hey, at least they were safe from those goddamn witches.

Cats have a few other habits that had a tendency freak people right out. They like to seek sources of warmth (sorry, Mister Fluffynuts doesn’t like sitting in your lap just because he loves you) and have an odd fascination with examining human faces. Often when a person passed away from fever or a baby died mysteriously in the night, they’d find a cat perched on their chest or in the crib staring into their face, and the logical assumption was made. No, not that the hordes of rats in the streets might be making people sick, or that feeding your baby narcotic filled soothing syrups then putting them to sleep in a crib full of toys made out of lead was bad for them, but that cats were harbingers of death that could suck the very life from you body.

I can has ur soul plz?

As for why black cats specifically were feared, well, you don’t need us to tell you that black has traditionally been associated with eeeevil. There’s a reason Darth Vader didn’t spend his time strutting around in a sporty magenta or mint green get-up.

Nathan Birch also writes the magically delicious webcomic Zoology.