7 Creepy Urban Legends That Happen to be True (Part 4!)
Once again, it's that time of year when Cracked goes out it's way to prove that friend-of-a-friend of yours isn't as full of bullshit as you always assumed. As we've shown three times before, sometimes the real world and the stories we told around a flashlight as a kid aren't as far apart as we might've hoped.
The Organ Thieves
The Legend:
We've all got them -- emails warning travellers that in certain corners of the world people are being abducted or drugged, only to wake up with a ragged scar where one of their kidneys used to be. These kind of stories sound like good fodder for an Eli Roth movie, but they couldn't possibly be true, could they?
The Truth:
Tell that to Indian construction worker Mohammad Saleem, who thought he had just lucked into a new higher paying job (which in India means he would be getting an extra dollar a day). Saleem was instructed to travel to a nearby city and wait in specific bungalow for further instruction, but unfortunately for Saleem the new employers he was waiting for never showed up. Who did show up were several men in masks who broke into the house and forcibly drugged Saleem. Suddenly that extra dollar a day seemed like it may not be worth it.
Saleem would wake up sometime later on a cold metal gurney, with a shooting pain in his side. His kidney was gone, and his abductors told him in no uncertain terms that if he told anyone he'd be losing a lot more than a kidney. Saleem wasn't the only victim either -- police would later uncover a blood-soaked reverse Robin Hood scheme in which a band of men posed as doctors and stole numerous organs from the poor to sell to the rich.
This was hardly an isolated incident. The illegal organ trade is worth big money and from India, to South Africa, to Brazil to Eastern Europe there's plenty of folks out there willing to do anything to get their hands on new market fresh organs -- even if the people who own them aren't quite done using them yet. So yes, sometimes spam email isn't completely full of shit -- don't get your hopes up about getting the five grand you sent to that Nigerian Prince back though.
Job applicants should be enthusiastic, self-starters who aren't particularly attached to their internal organs.
Saleem would wake up sometime later on a cold metal gurney, with a shooting pain in his side. His kidney was gone, and his abductors told him in no uncertain terms that if he told anyone he'd be losing a lot more than a kidney. Saleem wasn't the only victim either -- police would later uncover a blood-soaked reverse Robin Hood scheme in which a band of men posed as doctors and stole numerous organs from the poor to sell to the rich.
Getcha' kidney! Getcha' kidney here! Tub-full-of-ice fresh kidneys!
This was hardly an isolated incident. The illegal organ trade is worth big money and from India, to South Africa, to Brazil to Eastern Europe there's plenty of folks out there willing to do anything to get their hands on new market fresh organs -- even if the people who own them aren't quite done using them yet. So yes, sometimes spam email isn't completely full of shit -- don't get your hopes up about getting the five grand you sent to that Nigerian Prince back though.
The Corpse in the Chimney
The Legend:
A person goes missing and their loved ones look high and low for them, but the search proves fruitless -- that is until a telltale smell begins to waft out of the fireplace. The family peer up the dark chimney, and well, they sure as hell don't find Santa Claus up there.
The Truth:
It all started when Jacquelyn Kotarac tried to get into the house of her on-again, off-again boyfriend. We're guessing they were "off-again" at the time, because instead of say, using her key to open the front door, she decided it would be a better idea to scramble up on the roof and descend into the house through the chimney. Apparently Jacquelyn didn't watch a lot of Looney Tunes as a kid, or she'd know these types of schemes almost never work out well.
Halfway down the chimney Jacquelyn got stuck, and with her boyfriend away there was nobody to hear her cries for help as she hung wedged in what would ultimately become her soot-caked final resting place. Friends and family immediately began searching for Jacquelyn when she didn't return home, but nothing turned up until the boyfriend's house-sitter showed up to water the plants. Upon entering the house she immediately noticed an overpowering stench, and found the fireplace filling with -- and this is a technical term now -- corpse juice.
Perhaps the most amazing thing about this story? Jacquelyn Kotarac was better known around the workplace as Doctor Jacquelyn Kotarac. If this story proves anything, it's this -- 11 years of college isn't going to keep some people from still doing some really, really stupid shit.
Daffy Duck could tell you this isn't a good idea.
Halfway down the chimney Jacquelyn got stuck, and with her boyfriend away there was nobody to hear her cries for help as she hung wedged in what would ultimately become her soot-caked final resting place. Friends and family immediately began searching for Jacquelyn when she didn't return home, but nothing turned up until the boyfriend's house-sitter showed up to water the plants. Upon entering the house she immediately noticed an overpowering stench, and found the fireplace filling with -- and this is a technical term now -- corpse juice.
Jacquelyn Kotarac at the office. Sadly one of those folders behind her isn't labelled "Reasons You Should Stay the Hell Out of the Chimney".
Perhaps the most amazing thing about this story? Jacquelyn Kotarac was better known around the workplace as Doctor Jacquelyn Kotarac. If this story proves anything, it's this -- 11 years of college isn't going to keep some people from still doing some really, really stupid shit.
The Creepy Sewer Creatures
The Legend:
In addition to the regular disgusting things you can find in a toilet, legend has it sewer rats can crawl up through the pipes into your toilet, ready and waiting to inject rabies straight into your balls. Oh, and what about the most infamous sewer-related myth of all -- have alligators at any time roamed the sewers of New York City?
The Truth:
Late one night Ian went to go use the washroom, and found himself face to face with a furry creature, and it sure as hell wasn't one of those butt-wiping obsessed Charmin bears.
It was beady-eyed, sopping wet sewer rat. Ian's first move was what any sensible person would have done -- he tried to flush it. A cleansing flush has removed so many other unwanted things, why not a rat? That shit only made it mad. In the end Ian had to trap the squealing struggling beast between the bowl and the toilet seat and murder the vermin with his own hands like the final "hero finally realizes the horrible thing he must do" scene from a Saw movie. If you're not afraid of catching liberal bias, you can hear the whole story from Ian himself courtesy of NPR here. Turns out Ian's not the only one this has happened to, and plumbers agree it's entirely possible, especially if your toilet is on the ground floor. So next time you're running to the bathroom post Taco Bell visit, make sure the check the bowl first...not even a rat deserves that.
But what about alligators in the New York sewers? While there's debate over whether they exist now (you're more likely to be bit by a homeless person than an alligator down there) there are several credible stories that seem to prove that they roamed the pipes at some point.
Although they're disturbing in their own way...
It was beady-eyed, sopping wet sewer rat. Ian's first move was what any sensible person would have done -- he tried to flush it. A cleansing flush has removed so many other unwanted things, why not a rat? That shit only made it mad. In the end Ian had to trap the squealing struggling beast between the bowl and the toilet seat and murder the vermin with his own hands like the final "hero finally realizes the horrible thing he must do" scene from a Saw movie. If you're not afraid of catching liberal bias, you can hear the whole story from Ian himself courtesy of NPR here. Turns out Ian's not the only one this has happened to, and plumbers agree it's entirely possible, especially if your toilet is on the ground floor. So next time you're running to the bathroom post Taco Bell visit, make sure the check the bowl first...not even a rat deserves that.
Orrrr maybe they do.
But what about alligators in the New York sewers? While there's debate over whether they exist now (you're more likely to be bit by a homeless person than an alligator down there) there are several credible stories that seem to prove that they roamed the pipes at some point.
Take the story from 1935 of a group of teenagers managing to yank a full eight foot gator out of the sewer, or the tales of sewer superintendent Teddy May who claimed that at one time, gators were downright common in New York sewers. It may sound far-fetched, but we're sure not going to go down there to prove him wrong, are you? We didn't think so.
The Human Grease Vampires
The Legend:
In parts of South America people tell tale of the fearsome Pishtacos, shadowy figures who stalk peasants along dark roads, kill them and drain them of their fat. Stories of these cholesterol-laden vampires are hard to believe -- if Anne Rice and Stephanie Meyer are to be believed vampires spend most of their time shirtless, and that's not going to impress anyone with if you spend all your time drinking liquid fat. Could South American human grease thieves actually exist?
The Truth:
When police arrested the gang which operated deep within the jungle highlands of Peru, they made some grisly discoveries -- a pile of human ribs and thighbones, a decomposing human head, and yes, two plastic Coke bottles filled with what appeared to be human fat (which for the record is the second most disgusting thing to be kept in a plastic Coke bottle, after Coke Zero). It seems the gang would confront people along the quiet back roads, lure them to their laboratory, bludgeon them to death, dismember them, and then using candles render the fat out of the body, which they captured in a basin below. But what do you do with a bottle of human pan drippings?
The police at first claimed they were selling the fat to cosmetic companies to be used in anti-aging creams, while the criminals themselves claimed they were selling it to local shamans to use in satanic rituals. The motives of the murderers may never be known for sure, but this much is clear -- the South American version of The Biggest Loser best stay clear of the Peruvian jungle.
You really don't want to know Outback Steakhouse's secret to frying a blooming onion.
The police at first claimed they were selling the fat to cosmetic companies to be used in anti-aging creams, while the criminals themselves claimed they were selling it to local shamans to use in satanic rituals. The motives of the murderers may never be known for sure, but this much is clear -- the South American version of The Biggest Loser best stay clear of the Peruvian jungle.
The PCP Cannibal
The Legend:
The legend has been floating around for a while that the drug PCP doesn't merely inspire regular garden variety hallucinatory freak-outs, it actually has the ability to turn somebody into a human flesh hungry maniac. Surely this is merely Reefer Madness-esque propaganda though -- something dreamt up by Nancy Reagan in one of her more creative moods?
The Truth:
The story of Antron Singleton, a rapper with the appropriately creepy sounding handle "Big Lurch" says otherwise. In 2002 Big Lurch was found, well, lurching around the streets of Los Angeles in the dead of night, naked, covered in blood and howling at the moon after going on a near week long PCP binge. Of course none of this is overly strange for a rapper -- Snoop Dogg considers drug-fuelled naked moon howling part of a regular Saturday night -- but things got much more sinister once they inspected Antron's apartment.
There they found his roommate brutally slain, with her lungs torn from her torso, and her body and face covered with...bite marks. An examination of Antron's stomach contents found it was full of human flesh, officially eliminating the "uh, I think the dog must have done that" defense. Turns out PCP can be a bit of a gateway drug -- a gateway towards becoming a goddamn zombie that is.
Of course we don't want to be alarmists -- we're sure there's plenty of fine upstanding PCP addicts out there. All we're saying is you might want to hit up the Burger King before you go on a PCP bender, as this clearly isn't the drug you want to be doing on an empty stomach.
Rapper Big Lurch in his more innocent pre-human flesh ingesting days.
There they found his roommate brutally slain, with her lungs torn from her torso, and her body and face covered with...bite marks. An examination of Antron's stomach contents found it was full of human flesh, officially eliminating the "uh, I think the dog must have done that" defense. Turns out PCP can be a bit of a gateway drug -- a gateway towards becoming a goddamn zombie that is.
80s anti-drug PSAs needed less frying eggs and more zombies.
Of course we don't want to be alarmists -- we're sure there's plenty of fine upstanding PCP addicts out there. All we're saying is you might want to hit up the Burger King before you go on a PCP bender, as this clearly isn't the drug you want to be doing on an empty stomach.
The Ice Woman
The Legend:
A person is brought into the hospital completely frozen and assumed to be dead. The doctor taps the body with his pen, declares, "Yup, that's dead" and the presumed corpse is taken to the morgue before any kids can accidentally get their tongue stuck to it. But that's not the end of the story -- as the body thaws it begins to stir, and eventually rises to its feet and walks out of the hospital as if nothing happened.
The Truth:
When a neighbour found Jean Hilliard in the snow she was frozen solid. That's not euphemism; she was literally frozen like a turkey in your grandma's deep freeze. Her body was too frozen to pierce with a needle, her temperature too low to register and when they took her to the hospital they loaded her into the car diagonally like a piece of lumber from Home Depot. She was, by nearly every measure, stone cold dead.
When this Jeansicle arrived at the hospital doctors tried to thaw her out, but nobody had much hope for a happy ending -- even if she wasn't dead she'd almost certainly have severe frostbite and brain damage. Or would she? As Jean lay wrapped in an electric heating pad her eyelids began to flutter, and after some time she thawed completely, returning to life as if nothing had happened. She showed absolutely no ill effects from her little nap in the snowbank -- no frostbite, no brain damage, not even any freezer burn. This 19-year old woman from North Dakota had, essentially, come back from the dead completely unharmed. Had she been sipping on antifreeze cocktails earlier in the evening? Did Mr. Freeze secretly give her up for adoption as a baby? Nobody knows for sure, but she certainly has a hell of scare story to tell her future kids if they ever try to go out in the cold without their hats or mitts on.
When this Jeansicle arrived at the hospital doctors tried to thaw her out, but nobody had much hope for a happy ending -- even if she wasn't dead she'd almost certainly have severe frostbite and brain damage. Or would she? As Jean lay wrapped in an electric heating pad her eyelids began to flutter, and after some time she thawed completely, returning to life as if nothing had happened. She showed absolutely no ill effects from her little nap in the snowbank -- no frostbite, no brain damage, not even any freezer burn. This 19-year old woman from North Dakota had, essentially, come back from the dead completely unharmed. Had she been sipping on antifreeze cocktails earlier in the evening? Did Mr. Freeze secretly give her up for adoption as a baby? Nobody knows for sure, but she certainly has a hell of scare story to tell her future kids if they ever try to go out in the cold without their hats or mitts on.
The Killer in Cop's Clothing
The Legend:
Depending on the story a police officer approaches somebody in public, or knocks on their door, tells them there's a dangerous criminal on the loose in the area, and that it's important that they let them inside or that the person comes with them. The person being an upstanding -- yet not particularly perceptive -- citizen, does what the officer tells them to, but then asks what this criminal looks like.
"Oh," the officer replies "a lot like me actually."
"Oh," the officer replies "a lot like me actually."
The Truth:
Carol DaRonch was browsing through a Utah city bookstore when she was approached by a police officer who informed her that her car had been broken into in the parking lot and that she should come with him down to the station to file a report. A perfectly reasonable sounding request, except for one rather important fact -- this police officer was, in reality, infamous serial killer Ted Bundy.
Carol started to suspect something was up when Bundy didn't pick her up in a shiny police issue Crown Victoria, but his shitty VW Bug. Granted she still got in the car, but hey, it was the 70s -- creepy looking guys driving Volkswagens made up 90% of the male population back then.
Thankfully Carol finally caught on when Bundy pulled out a gun and a pair of handcuffs, and she managed to kick him in the balls (unfortunately she had left her steel toed boots at home that day), escape the car and flag down another vehicle...which drove her to the police station. After what she'd just been through we suspect she made sure every cop at the station showed her their badge about half a dozen times.
Bundy was hardly the first, or the last to try this kind of stunt, and unfortunately others have pulled it off with deadlier results. In other words, it may be a good idea to ask a few questions before you blindly do whatever the man tells you to do -- just don't tell the cops that advice came from us as you're laying face down on the pavement with a knee to the back of your head.
We're not sure that haircut is in compliance with police guidelines.
Carol started to suspect something was up when Bundy didn't pick her up in a shiny police issue Crown Victoria, but his shitty VW Bug. Granted she still got in the car, but hey, it was the 70s -- creepy looking guys driving Volkswagens made up 90% of the male population back then.
How did any guy ever get laid in the 70s?
Thankfully Carol finally caught on when Bundy pulled out a gun and a pair of handcuffs, and she managed to kick him in the balls (unfortunately she had left her steel toed boots at home that day), escape the car and flag down another vehicle...which drove her to the police station. After what she'd just been through we suspect she made sure every cop at the station showed her their badge about half a dozen times.
Well, your Federal Breast Inspector's badge looks official...
Bundy was hardly the first, or the last to try this kind of stunt, and unfortunately others have pulled it off with deadlier results. In other words, it may be a good idea to ask a few questions before you blindly do whatever the man tells you to do -- just don't tell the cops that advice came from us as you're laying face down on the pavement with a knee to the back of your head.
As always, Nathan Birch also writes the disgustingly cute webcomic Zoology.
