Star Dreck: The 7 Stupidest Trek Alien Races in the Galaxy
Anyone who questions the existence of life on other planets has obviously never watched Star Trek, because if they had they’d know our galaxy is positively swarming with aliens sporting all manner of exotic forehead ridges and snug sequined outfits. Not all Trek species are created equal though. While the Vulcans and Klingons have inspired sweaty, creepy, nerd devotion for decades, the aliens on this list mostly prove just how retarded the final frontier can be.
The Iotians
Appeared in: Star Trek, Episode 49 “A Piece of the Action”.
Looking to score yourself some bootleg Romulan ale, a few green hookers, and the best damn cannoli in the quadrant? Well head on over to Sigma Iotia II, home of low-down dirty space mobsters, the Iotians.
Never before has a man looked so smug wearing a straw hat and purple bow tie.
Now you’re probably wondering, why the hell is there a planet populated entirely by cartoonish Italian mobster stereotypes? Don’t worry, there’s a perfectly logical answer. See, 100-years before Kirk and crew stumbled upon them, a previous Federation ship had visited the planet and some dope left behind that classic piece of 22nd century literature “Chicago Mobs of the 1920s”. Upon finding and somehow decoding the book the Iotians, in a perfectly reasonable move, decided these drug peddling mass murderers would be the perfect folks to model their entire society after.
Then again, maybe the mobsters described in “Chicago Mobs of the 1920s” weren’t so bad. A kinder gentler breed of gangster. What else could explain the fact that this dork takes over the entire planet within the span of 30 minutes?
Thought the ending to the Sopranos was bad? Their original idea was even worse.
By the way, this was hardly the only time Trek producers had the crew dress up in stock costumes and romp around some Hollywood backlot. How do you top space mobsters as villains though? Well…
We would have given them their own entry, but there's a limited amount of hilarity to be wrung from the Third Reich.
Video Evidence of Iotian Lameness
Thrill as Kirk defeats the big bad gangsters with a game of 52 Pickup!
The Xyrillians
Appeared in: Star Trek Enterprise, Episode 4 “The Unexpected”.
Sex and Star Trek don’t mix. Almost every episode that’s approached the subject has crashed and burned as fast and hard as a Trekkie at speed dating. Even the birds and bees, a subject we trust 7-year olds to be mature enough to handle, is enough to make the Trek writers lose their goddamn minds. For proof of this we refer you to the Xyrillians.
In the 22nd century this is considered irresistible.
Xyrillian impregnation requires only minor physical contact, the men carry the children, and only the genetics of the mother are passed on. So in other words, a brief brush of the hand with a woman and suddenly a guy is stuck carrying a baby that isn’t even his. If this society were at all realistic the guys would all be wearing full-body condoms 24-hours a day, or would have long since split the planet down the middle using a giant wall with “NO SMELLY GIRLS ALLOWED!” written in 50-foot letters on it.
The questions just keep coming (at least they do assuming you read your grade 7 health textbook). Why would a male sex even continue to exist if they don’t pass on their genetic material? Why would women continue to sport obvious mammalian breasts and childbearing hips under their shiny silver jumpsuits if they have nothing to do with carrying the babies? Where do the writers who came up with this crap live so we can go punch them in the face?
Oh and yes, Futurama fans may recall an episode in which it’s revealed Zap Brannigan’s assistant Kif reproduces similarly to the Xyrillians. Trust us though, the cartoon made a hell of a lot more sense.
Video Evidence of Xyrillian Lameness
We could only find this brief trailer for the episode the Xyrillians appear in, but it hits the major notes. Commander Trip Tucker having the hots for an alien that looks to be descended from a salamander, pregnant dudes, people making lots of silly faces and of course the wrist nipple. How Rick Berman and Brannon Braga managed to survive 2 more seasons as the top Trek producers instead of being immediately shot out of a cannon after writing this episode we don’t know.
The J’naii
Appeared in: Star Trek The Next Generation, Episode 116 “The Outcast”.
Considering the Trek writers couldn’t even deal properly with an episode about where babies come from, you can imagine how well things went when they tried to tackle the complex subject of homosexuality.
The J’naii are a genderless androgynous race, which deeply opposes any kind of sexual activity. Now most men would likely be deterred in the face of overwhelming cultural opposition and a confusing genital situation, but Commander William T. Riker isn’t most men.
Once Riker hits the planet and starts spreading his beardy musk around, a J’naii named Soren immediately decides he/she wouldn’t mind a ride on his “number one”. This brings up the question, are the J’naii actually genderless or are they just a race of aliens with bad haircuts and primitive bra technology? It doesn’t help that the Trek producers had women play all the J’naii, making them come off less androgynous, and more like a planet of lesbian man-haters.
The result is the episode’s message ends up completely garbled. Intended as a condemnation of homophobia, the episode instead comes off as the story of one woman’s brave quest for cock in the face of lesbian tyranny.
It's worse than I thought. My sensors indicate a Class-5 bowl cut.
Video Evidence of J’naii Lameness
From Soren and Riker’s least-sexy talk about sex ever at the beginning to Worf’s hilarious casual misogyny at the end, these may be the most uncomfortable 10-minutes of Trek ever.
The Kohms and Yangs
Appeared in: Star Trek, Episode 55 “The Omega Glory”.
It’s common for aliens in the Trek universe to be metaphors created to address contemporary political or cultural issues, but in the case of the Kohms and Yangs subtlety was set on fire, strapped to a dump truck full of dynamite and rolled off a cliff.
The Kohms all look to be Chinese, wear goofy Russian fur hats and are generally a bunch of jerks. The Yangs on the other hand are white, blonde, manly men who love freedom. It doesn’t take Kirk long to deduce that the Yangs were once known as “Yankees” and the Kohms were “Communists”. The Yangs even worship a replica of the United States Constitution and use an American Flag as their symbol.
So how did these space Americans and Commies come to exist? Time travel? Uh, tachyon rays? M-rays? Some sort of rays? Nope, apparently this exact mirror of the cold war during the 1960s developed purely by chance. It’s explained that this is perfectly plausible due to Hodgkin's Law of Parallel Planetary Development, although we think Gene Roddenberry’s Law of “Let’s Get This Goddamn Script Done so We Can Hit the Links” is what was really at work.
Video Evidence of Kohm and Yang Lameness
Kirk’s patriotic speech is stirring and all, but he seems to have forgotten he represents the Federation, not the United States, and in fact according to the Trek timeline the US hadn’t existed for over 100-years by this time. Also he’s played by a Canadian, and you know you can’t trust anything they say.
The Greek Gods
Appeared in: Star Trek, Episode 34 “Who Mourns for Adonais?”
“But wait” you say, “the Greek Gods weren’t aliens!”
Well, that’s what you think. Thankfully Star Trek knows better. See turns out the Greek Gods were a race of aliens that lived on a planet named Pollux IV and traveled to Earth 5000-years ago to dick around with us. By the time the Enterprise arrives at Pollux IV, only Apollo is left for no particularly well-explained reason (other than a limited casting budget).
MORTALS! PULL...MY...FINGER!!!
If you’re expecting a twist, wherein it’s revealed Apollo is a fake, don’t. The episode plays it completely straight. Apollo is an actual god who can make giant green Enterprise grabbing hands appear in space and throw lightning bolts, which comes off as completely out of place in a series that usually goes to ridiculous lengths to come up with “scientific” explanations for all the silly shit that happens in any given episode.
Also as far as Gods go, Apollo is a complete loser. Kirk is less afraid of him than a trip to the dentist and in the end of the episode Apollo decides to end it all because a chick he met a few hours ago rejected him. Seriously, what a pussy.
Video Evidence of Greek God Lameness
See what happens when Apollo dares to step to the real God of the Trek universe, William Shatner. Also, that gold toga/miniskirt is something isn’t it?
The Sky Spirits
Appeared in: Star Trek Voyager, Episode 24 “Tattoo”.
Okay, so the Trek writers turned the Greek Gods into aliens. Big deal, right? It’s not like anybody really worships them anymore. No, to really offend people they’d need to do something like write an episode where it’s implied Native American culture was entirely the creation of aliens who flew to Earth thousands of years ago to educate the “savages” living there.
Wait, they actually wrote an episode like that? In 1995? Christ.
The episode stars Commander Chakotay who, when stranded on a strange planet, does the logical thing and gets naked and wanders into a cave, where he runs into a bunch of white, blonde haired aliens who by completely implausible coincidence have the same tattoo on their faces as he does.
Also, I've got a pretty cool Tazmanian devil on my bicep.
They explain the whole “we’re responsible for your whole culture thing” which Chakotay takes entirely at face value, since doing otherwise would have required him to show emotion and for once not be one of the most boring Trek characters ever. Then Chakotay flies off and his discovery, one of the most culturally significant revelations in human history, is never mentioned again.
Video Evidence of Sky Spirit Lameness
Watch as the Voyager writers trot out one cliché about Native Americans after another until you half expect Chakotay to start weeping at the sight someone littering. Also featured; the most drawn out crash-landing sequence ever!
The Catullans
Appeared in: Star Trek, Episode 76 “This Way to Eden”.
Oh yeah baby, it’s time for the Catullans, aka the Space Hippies. Far out! Now man, now! Wavy Gravy! Okay, that’s enough of that.
Apparently the Trek make-up artist confused hippies with Oompa Loompas.
So anyways, the Enterprise is tracking a stolen spaceship, which they manage to catch up to when the irresponsible layabouts piloting it let the engines overheat. The ship stealing aliens are beamed aboard, and upon arrival they immediately start busting out trippy tunes on their space guitars and rebelling against the Man, rudely chanting “Herbert” at Kirk whenever he tries to talk sense into their thick hippie skulls. Come on guys, be cool, if you just got to know Kirk you’d realize the only reason he keeps hanging around is because he’s hoping for an orgy to break out.
Spock gets all chicks.
It seems the Catullans are on a quest to find a planet named Eden, and after seducing the crew with rock music and their brazen navel-exposing women, they take over the ship. The Catullans find Eden and beam themselves down, but when Kirk and the crew follow only minutes later they find the Catullans have all accidentally killed or injured themselves eating poison fruit or walking on acidic plants in their bare feet. Silly space hippies, if only you’d listened to authority!
Christ, we leave you alone for five minutes...
Oh and by the way, the main hippie who dies from eating poison fruit was named Adam. Get it? Adam? Eden? Consider your mind blown man.
Video Evidence of Catullan Lameness
Charles Napier in rainbow colored hotpants jamming with Commander Spock? The seamy seduction of Ensign Chekov? We take it back, the Catullans are awesome.
Nathan Birch also writes the far out webcomic Zoology.
