The human race has scaled the tallest mountains, charted the deepest oceans and played a quick front nine on the freaking moon, but there’s one frontier that still largely mystifies us--our own bodies. Why do we yawn? Why do we blush? We assume such everyday phenomenon must have been explained ages ago, but in reality asking these simple questions of a scientist will net you at best a shrug, and at worst some bullshit he just made up off the top of his head.
Adolescence
Hey teenagers, need something else to add to your angst pile? Turns out these awkward times you’re going through are far from universal in the animal kingdom. It’s only humans Mother Nature decided to kick in the nuts, cursing guys in particular to years encased in an opposite sex repelling bubble of greasy awkwardness. What evolutionary sense does it make that so many guys are confined to their parents’ basements smearing Clearasil on their face during their sexual prime years?
Possible Theories
Some scientists argue that guys’ half-decade of dorkdom is designed to force them develop traits chicks dig, like a sense of humour, artistic talent, and conversation skills. Honestly though this theory sounds like the wishful thinking of scientists who don’t want to face the ugly truth that their memorization of the periodic table and every Monty Python skit won’t be getting them in any girl’s pants ever.
Guys’ torment isn’t helped by the fact that most girls develop in the exact opposite way, growing adult-like bodies several years before they’re fully sexually mature. The result is a high school hellscape of sulking unsightly dudes who think of nothing but sex, and girls who look 20, but aren’t yet ready for it. Some scientists theorize that girls develop an outward appearance of maturity early in order to be accepted into adult female society where they can learn to cook, raise kids and do other girly stuff. We’re sure feminists love that one.
Scientists can’t even agree when exactly the adolescent phase evolved. Some believe teenagers existed as early as the Homo erectus era over a million years ago, while others think it’s a much more recent development. Until they find a Homo erectus skeleton holding a fossilized iPod filled with My Chemical Romance songs, we may never know for sure.
Cracked Solves the Mystery
God just has a real hang-up about teenagers humping.
Yawning
Yawning is associated with many things, tiredness, stress, listening to your dad’s high school football stories for the millionth time, but as of yet science can’t explain the underlying purpose of the yawn. Even more odd is the fact that yawning spreads from person to person faster than stomach flu in a kindergarten class.
Possible Theories
The prevailing theory since the days of ancient Greece was that low oxygen levels in the blood triggered yawning, with the yawn providing a quick influx of the gas. As is usually the case though, it turns out people from back in the day didn’t know what the hell they were talking about. In fact it’s been found yawning may actually decrease oxygen intake.
So with that antiquated theory out of the way, it was time to turn to more sophisticated ideas. Ideas like yawning being the body’s way of controlling brain temperature. Yeah, apparently scientists think our brains function with all the complexity of an old car engine. The “proof” of this was experiments in which it was found people with cool packs attached to their heads yawned less. The greater scientific community’s response to the finding that people sitting in an unfamiliar lab with ice packs on their heads weren’t much in a yawning mood was basically “no duh”.
As for why yawning is contagious, some scientists have pointed to human being’s primitive herd instincts. Group yawning could have helped regulate sleeping patterns, so that a “whoops, we all feel asleep at once and got eaten by giant sloths” situation didn’t develop. This remains merely a theory though, and of course still doesn’t explain while people yawn while on their own.
Cracked Solves the Mystery
Yawning is nature’s evolutionary defence against shitty parties.
Placebo Effect
Unlike other entries on this list, it’s not so much that we don’t understand why the placebo effect exists (it’s of obvious benefit), we just don’t get how it works. Why do placebos work as well as actual medical techniques in up to 50 to 60 percent of cases, and why is the phenomenon becoming more and more powerful? Also, how is ExtenZe able to make that special part of the male anatomy up to 25% bigger? Mysteries abound.
Possible Theories
There’s debate over whether the placebo effect is even real at all, with some believing and that most recoveries attributed to the effect can be explained by the body’s natural healing abilities. Yes, it’s possible 50 to 60 percent of what the trillion dollar medical industry does could be achieved by staying home, resting and watching daytime TV. Try not to think about that one too much or you may end up on YouTube screaming something at a town hall meeting.
Others say that placebo effect is all in the brain, and while it’s true that our brains can release mixtures of chemicals with painkilling abilities, it can’t all be in our heads. The placebo effect has been found to help everything from warts, to heart disease, to asthma. Doctors have even gone so far as to conduct sham knee surgeries that were almost as effective as the real thing. This is stuff all the rest, nice thoughts and happy brain chemistry in the world isn’t going to make go away.
Some have even hypothesized the placebo effect may just be us unconsciously ignoring or repressing symptoms so we please our doctors. Trust us though, there’s better ways to land that hunky doctor.
Cracked Solves the Mystery
Baby Boomers fabricated the concept to give them an excuse to legalize medical marijuana.
Hey maan, lemme lay some medical advice on ya.
Dreaming
Even though human beings are obsessed with dissecting and interpreting them, we really know very little about dreams. What causes them, why we have them, what they mean—you name it, we don’t know it. Sorry, you’re just going to have wait on a explanation of that time you dreamt about giving Gary Busey a backrub while riding a flying armadillo.
Possible Theories
The old Freudian theory was that dreams were expressions of our unconscious desires, but none of the cool psychologists still follow Freud these days. Besides, if Freud was right far too many people have a sick fetish for being forced to take pop quizzes in their underwear.
Even though human beings are obsessed with dissecting and interpreting them, we really know very little about dreams. What causes them, why we have them, what they mean—you name it, we don’t know it. Sorry, you’re just going to have wait on a explanation of that time you dreamt about giving Gary Busey a backrub while riding a flying armadillo.
Possible Theories
The old Freudian theory was that dreams were expressions of our unconscious desires, but none of the cool psychologists still follow Freud these days. Besides, if Freud was right far too many people have a sick fetish for being forced to take pop quizzes in their underwear.
ALL MY DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE!
Others have suggested dreaming is a way for our brain to formulate new ideas through the use of “random thought mutations”, which sounds more like the title for some New Age album than anything scientific. Still the notion that we could somehow create a super powered idea, capable of kicking the asses of mere regular ideas, through the power of mutation has its appeal.
Another theory states that dreaming is our brain tidying itself up and disposing of useless “junk thoughts”. In order to buy this idea though you have to accept that the average guy’s dreams about tits and being Batman are junk, and we’re sure you agree that’s simply unacceptable.
There’s also mounting evidence that much of what influences our dreams comes from outside, not inside, our heads. Noises and scents may have an effect on the content of our dreams, and we bet your wacky tealeaf reading, dream-interpreting aunt didn’t take into account the Earth’s geomagnetic activity during her analysis.
Cracked Solves the Mystery
Dreams do have one evolutionary advantage—scoring flattery points.
Another theory states that dreaming is our brain tidying itself up and disposing of useless “junk thoughts”. In order to buy this idea though you have to accept that the average guy’s dreams about tits and being Batman are junk, and we’re sure you agree that’s simply unacceptable.
There’s also mounting evidence that much of what influences our dreams comes from outside, not inside, our heads. Noises and scents may have an effect on the content of our dreams, and we bet your wacky tealeaf reading, dream-interpreting aunt didn’t take into account the Earth’s geomagnetic activity during her analysis.
Cracked Solves the Mystery
Dreams do have one evolutionary advantage—scoring flattery points.
Blushing
Darwin considered blushing the “most peculiar” of human expressions, and had a hell of a time trying to explain why people would evolve such an obvious tell for when we’re lying or feel vulnerable, considering our lives and relationships are all built on a precarious foundation or half-lies, unspoken truths and outright bullshit. Despite the passing of over 100 years we still don’t understand blushing any better than Darwin did.
Possible Theories
One idea is that blushing developed as a way of appeasing and submitting to dominant members of society. This doesn’t make a whole lot of sense though as everyone blushes, dominant personality or not, and the whole process is involuntary anyways. Relying on something that you can’t control to please the tribe leader back in primitive times seems like a good way to get yourself tossed in the volcano.
Some scientists, noting that women blush more than guys, have suggested that blushing developed specifically so they could prove they were honest and submissive towards men. Once again, we’re sure feminists love that one.
I just questioned a man! Curse my wicked mouth!
Others have gone the complete opposite direction, positing that blushing is not a sign of submission, but one of anger. We’re all narcissists at heart and when somebody publicly shows us up or embarrasses us, blushing is basically us sending them an involuntary screw-you. We can see why some would like this theory, since it makes someone who blushes and mumbles their way through all their social interactions sound like a badass.
Cracked Solves the Mystery
It’s nature’s way of outing who in the group just farted.
Cracked Solves the Mystery
It’s nature’s way of outing who in the group just farted.
Goddammit Grandma.
Pubic Hair
Anyone who’s caught themselves an eyeful of flapping chimpanzee dong at the zoo can attest to the difference between humans and our ape cousins when it comes to body hair distribution. Most apes have furry bodies and their monkey junk flies free, while humans take the exact opposite approach, sporting mostly naked bodies with the exception of impressive bushes. Why are our naughty bits surrounded with hair that attracts lice, bacteria and makes most pornos filmed before 1980 nearly unwatchable today?
Possible Theories
Traditionally the idea has been that pubic hair was for warmth and protection from dirt and debris, which makes a fair amount of sense for women, but zero for men who have the actual important bits dangling mostly hairless in the breeze.
A more modern theory is that pubes are meant to capture pheromone-laden sweat, although some question the appeal of musty crotch smell. Some argue it developed as a sexual ornament for attracting mates, like a sad, kind of gross equivalent of a peacock displaying its tail. Others believe the exact opposite; that having less pubic hair is an evolutionary advantage. Certainly most cultures throughout history (with a few exceptions, like those weirdos in Japan) haven’t really prized the stuff.
Hell, there was even an old hypothesis that our short and curlies exist to give babies something to grab and hold onto. We really don’t want to know about the family life of folks who came up with that one.
Anyone who’s caught themselves an eyeful of flapping chimpanzee dong at the zoo can attest to the difference between humans and our ape cousins when it comes to body hair distribution. Most apes have furry bodies and their monkey junk flies free, while humans take the exact opposite approach, sporting mostly naked bodies with the exception of impressive bushes. Why are our naughty bits surrounded with hair that attracts lice, bacteria and makes most pornos filmed before 1980 nearly unwatchable today?
Possible Theories
Traditionally the idea has been that pubic hair was for warmth and protection from dirt and debris, which makes a fair amount of sense for women, but zero for men who have the actual important bits dangling mostly hairless in the breeze.
A more modern theory is that pubes are meant to capture pheromone-laden sweat, although some question the appeal of musty crotch smell. Some argue it developed as a sexual ornament for attracting mates, like a sad, kind of gross equivalent of a peacock displaying its tail. Others believe the exact opposite; that having less pubic hair is an evolutionary advantage. Certainly most cultures throughout history (with a few exceptions, like those weirdos in Japan) haven’t really prized the stuff.
Hell, there was even an old hypothesis that our short and curlies exist to give babies something to grab and hold onto. We really don’t want to know about the family life of folks who came up with that one.
The dull way of carrying a baby.
Cracked Solves the Mystery
Pubes exist to make you the awesomest dude in the showers after middle school gym class.
Pubes exist to make you the awesomest dude in the showers after middle school gym class.
Nathan Birch also writes the fur filled comic Zoology
