The Bristol Stool Scale

If you were to ask most folks to design a scale describing their poop, they'd probably come up with only two classifications -- "everything's fine, stop asking!" and "oh shit, oh shit, oh goddamit where's the nearest bathroom?!"

Ma'am, if you had to assign a number to your last shit, what would it be?

The average person may not be too discerning about their poop, but healthcare professionals tend to be, by necessity, much more preoccupied with the human body's various excretions, and thus the Bristol Stool Scale was created. You've heard of taking a number 2, but it turns out you can actually take a number 1 through 7.

Designed by the University of Bristol and the Scandinavian Journal of Gastroenterology, it's clear these people spent a serious chunk of time looking at our chunks, as this scale describes such things as consistency, cracks, lumps, ragged edges and fluffiness in gloriously disgusting detail. That said, we say the scale could stand to be even more detailed -- hell, they don't even Taco Bell in Bristol or Scandinavia. Come let America show you what diarrhea is all about.


Life Change Units

Life can be an exciting, unpredictable ride marked by moments of both great happiness and sorrow -- you'd think it'd be impossible, absurd even, to create a scale that measures all the changes a person will go in their life, but don't tell that to Thomas Holmes and Richard Rache.

They created the Holmes and Rache Stress Scale, which lists all the major tragedies and life-altering changes a person might go through in a given year, ranking them according to much stress they would cause. The higher an event ranks on the scale the more "Life Change Units" it's worth.

We wonder what this ranks.

For instance going to jail is 63 Life Change Units, but hey, at least going to prison for murdering your wife spared you a divorce, which would have net you 73 Life Change Units. Your plumbing being on the fritz may actually be a blessing in disguise ("sexual difficulties" is rated at 39 units) since at least you'll be avoiding any pregnancies in the near future (40 units). Whatever the stress or trauma you've experienced, there's a good chance Holmes and Rache have a seemingly arbitrary double-digit number assigned to it.

But what do you get for accumulating these Life Change Units? Death, that's what. According to the Holmes and Rache those who rack up over 300 life change units in a year are at serious risk of illness. That's the kind of high-score you may not want to attach your initials to.

Oh and hey, obsessively compiling your stresses and fearing the icy hand of death isn't just for adults either, there's a version for you youngsters out there too!


Sperm Motility Grade

As we've seen so far researchers love to come up with creative ways to judge every little thing you do -- not even being microscopic will let you hide from their stern judgement.

Judging you on a cellular level.

The Sperm Motility Grade scale not only how rates effective your troops are, but describes in specific detail how they're storming the beaches...

At the top of the class you have the eye-on-the-prize straight-line swimmers, while at the bottom you have the sperm equivalent of you and your buddies in high school -- they'd rather spend their time loitering in an apathetic pack than actually chase after the girls.

Strangely, the according to the Sperm Motility Grade scale the guys on the level second from the bottom may actually move backwards, which we have to say actually sounds worse than the sperm at level one. Your sperm merely being lazy bastards is one thing, but when they're actively running away from the egg it may be time for you and your fellas to have a heart-to-heart.

Nathan Birch writes the off-the-scale great webcomic Zoology. JD Niemand also does a webcomic, Stickman and Cube.