The 10 Greatest Games You May Never Get to Play

Making videogames is a perilous process that has claimed many a promising title. While most games are simply axed once development becomes troubled, the games below live on in vaporware purgatory. None are completely dead and yet the longer they languish in development hell the less likely their release becomes, which is a shame because all the games listed here have the potential to be pure sex on a plastic disc.


Shenmue 3

The Shenmue saga was easily one of the most ambitious and groundbreaking videogame projects ever envisioned. Originally intended as a trilogy Shenmue introduced the world to sandbox-style action (which the Grand Theft Auto series later took and ran to the end zone with) and Simon says button pushing “Quick Time Events” (a concept currently the darling of today’s discerning lazy videogame designer).

How Much Ass Would this Game Kick?

Opinion on Shenmue is somewhat split these days. Detractors argue the games are slow and clunky by today’s standards, while Shenmue fanatics argue that the detractors are a bunch of stupidheads. What can’t be denied is the sheer scope of these games. If nothing else Shenmue III would be one hell of a spectacle if it were finally unleashed, particularly if the proud tradition of compelling dialogue from the first two games is carried on…

Hopefully Shenmue III comes out and he finally finds himself that sailor.

Your Chances of Playing This Game: Very doubtful

The first two games in the series sold well but unfortunately Sega, in a display of the keen business sense that almost drove them to bankruptcy, spent an absolutely bat-shit insane amount of money producing them. The original Shenmue reportedly cost Sega nearly 70 million dollars, which makes it the most expensive videogame production in history. It’s been said that in order for Shenmue to turn a profit every Dreamcast owner would have had to buy the game…twice. Shenmue creator Yu Suzuki has repeatedly shot down rumors that the title is in development, although if he were to read some of the endings fans have written for the series he might be forced to make Shenmue III out of disgust.


Star Trek Online

Star Trek Online is an online role-playing game, which would feature established Star Trek characters, races and locales. Tired of messageboards, chatrooms, blogs and wikis being the only ways for you to indulge your crippling Star Trek obsession while on your computer? Then this game is for you.

How Much Ass Would this Game Kick?

A Star Trek RPG would present endless possibilities. Casually stroll the halls of the USS Enterprise, fight a Gorn gladiator to the death, chug Romulan ale with rowdy Klingons, high five commander Riker as you double team alien chicks with strange and exotic foreheads. If you're a well-adjusted contributing member of society the previous sentence was likely a baffling sequence of gibberish, while if you're a Trekkie you probably just shit your elastic-waist jeans in excitement.

You don't need to be a Trek fan to get excited about this game though. Due to budget constraints most Star Trek episodes consisted entirely of people poking at plywood control panels, spouting techno-babble about tachyon rays or looking pained as they got mind-raped by telepaths (you'd be surprised how often it happened) but a Trek game would be free to shed all that and focus on the kick-ass stuff usually only glimpsed in the TV shows.

Chance You Have of Playing This Game: Outlook good

On January 14, 2008, Perpetual Entertainment announced they were no longer working on the game. Like the series itself though, Star Trek Online refused to die and on March 13th it was announced that Cryptic Studios (makers of the acclaimed "City of Heroes") would be taking over the reigns. Start brushing up on how to call someone gay in Klingon because this MMORPG still has some life in it.


Diablo III

Diablo III is perhaps the most obsessed over game to never have it’s existence officially acknowledged. Numerous sites and messageboards are dedicated exclusively to a game that’s developing into a legend on par with Bigfoot or Richard Gere’s poor gerbil. So does the game actually exist?

How Much Ass Would this Game Kick?

The Diablo series is what happens when you let red-blooded meat eating Americans make a role-playing game. Gone are the androgynous heroes, talking raccoons and quests that revolve around retrieving used panties you find in Japanese RPGs, replaced instead with demon killing. Lots and lots demon killing. Besides Blizzard simply doesn’t make bad games, producing literally nothing but genre-defining classics for the past decade plus.

Your Chances of Playing This Game: Reply hazy, try again

Unfortunately for Diablo enthusiasts Blizzard North, the division of the company devoted to the Diablo franchise, dissolved a few years back. Several Blizzard North employees subsequently formed their own company and started developing Hellgate: London, a game fans considered a spiritual successor to Diablo II right up until the moment it came out and they realized it was complete crap.

Things aren’t all grim though. Blizzard posted job listings on their website back in 2006 calling for people to join the “team behind Diablo I and II” and various Blizzard big wigs have said they would continue work on Diablo in the future. Assuming the folks at Blizzard enjoy making large sums of money it’s a good bet Diablo III will eventually come out, although with their recent huge success Blizzard may be putting it off until they can build a money bin so as to avoid literally drowning in cash.

Max Payne 3

For those unfamiliar, the Max Payne games are shooters which feature a dark haired guy who, in between brooding sessions, mows down enough people slow-motion bullet time style to fill a small town. Basically they're the Matrix in videogame form except you don't have to put up with incomprehensible navel-gazing storylines or the sight of Keanu Reeve's bare ass.

How Much Ass Would this Game Kick?

The first two games in the Max Payne series were very well received and there's no reason to believe the 3rd wouldn't be as well. The Max Payne formula is hard to mess up. These games don't feature much in the way of puzzle solving, switch flipping or colored crystal bauble collecting. You pretty much just spent 10 hours killing things in slow motion, and if the continued success of John Woo teaches us anything it's that killing people in slow motion never really gets old.

Your Chances of Playing This Game: Most Likely

The end credits of Max Payne 2 teased the possibility of a 3rd entry in the series, and in 2004 the game was officially announced. Since then information on Max Payne 3 has been scarce. We'd speculate it's because the producers of the Max Payne series, 3D Realms, are too busy finishing up Duke Nukem Forever but let's be serious, we here at Cracked aren’t that retarded.


Elite 4

If you happen to be an elderly gamer over the age of 25, you’ve might have heard of Elite. A legendary series, the Elite games were pioneers in open-world gameplay. These days though the only thing the developers of Elite are pioneering is the art of taking a really freaking long time to make a game, as it’s now been a solid decade since this game was announced.

How Much Ass Would this Game Kick?

While watching the Star Wars movies were you ever disappointed that, even though the Millennium Falcon was a freight ship, we never got to see Han Solo negotiating the finer details of interstellar hauling and trade? Well then the Elite games are for you. Part economic simulation and part space shooter, the Elite series is set in a virtually unlimited universe. You know that procedural generation stuff that’s going to make Will Wright’s new game Spore mankind’s greatest creation since beef jerky? Well Elite already did that all that. Back in 1984. Call the Elite games what you want, but you can’t deny their raw ambition.

Your Chances of Playing This Game: Don't count on it

Elite creator David Braben has said that development of Elite 4 will resume after he finishes his current project “The Outsider” due Christmas of 2009, meaning work won’t resume on Elite 4 until 2010 at the earliest. At this rate look to download Elite 4 directly into your brain through a port in the back of your neck sometime in 2020.


Project H.A.M.M.E.R.

Killer robots are attacking major cities across the planet. World leaders and the miltary are helpless before the scourge and mankind trembles in their wake, but our would be robot overlords didn’t count on somebody finding their one fatal weakness…being whacked repeatedly with a really big hammer.

How Much Ass Would this Game Kick?

Before the Wii was released people had some rather unrealistic expectations of the system’s “Wiimote” controller. Millions were disappointed when they realized it was simply a TV-remote shaped controller that can tell which direction you’re waving it, not the freakin’ Holodeck.

One thing the Wiimote definitely does well though is letting you pummel things by swinging the controller like you’re trying to chase away a swarm of hornets, and so it’s actually promising that Project HAMMER’s premise, gameplay and storyline can be summed entirely as “swing the controller to smash shit with a giant hammer”. We’re pretty sure that not only describes the game, but succinctly sums up the entire reason the Wii should exist.

Chance You Have of Playing This Game: Signs point to yes

At E3 2007 Nintendo announced that Project HAMMER was currently on hold, but that it “may come back” in the future. Since Nintendo usually has no qualms about crushing gamers hopes and dreams, this seems to be a pretty strong indication they’re still interested in releasing the game. Until then you’ll have to look to a career in loan sharking to ease your hammer-violence pangs.


Darkfall

Darkfall is an online fantasy role-playing game that was first announced back in August 2001. Ironically Darkfall was actually announced a month before current MMORPG king World of Warcraft, but while WoW has been consuming people’s souls and preserving nerd’s virginity since 2004, gamers remain in the dark when it comes to Darkfall.

How Much Ass Would this Game Kick?

Darkfall is comparable to other online role-playing games currently on the market in a number of ways, but would also incorporate a fairly lengthy list of unique features such as unrestricted PvP (there would be no safe zones from other players in the game), unlimited looting and the ability to build cities (or destroy other people’s cities). In other words, from the sounds of it this game would provide players new and exciting ways to act like total cocks, and isn’t that what online role-playing games are all about?

Chance You Have of Playing This Game: Don’t count on it

After countless delays, the developers of the game claim to currently be in “private beta testing”. We’re not sure why it has to be private, but the situation is starting to call to mind that friend who always claims to have a girlfriend which nobody has ever seen. After 7 years of waiting we’re beginning to suspect Darkfall either doesn’t exist or if it does it’s a real dog.


Metroid Dread

Early in the life of the Nintendo DS back in 2005 there were believed to be two Metroid titles in development for the system. The first, Metroid Prime Hunters, was released in 2006 but thus far Metroid Dread has remained hidden deep within Nintendo’s secret subterranean headquarters.

How Much Ass Would this Game Kick?

It’s new 2D Metroid, need we say more? Oh, we do? Really? Well, if you insist.

To the uninitiated Metroid is one of Nintendo’s few series for gamers with sack. It rejects the usual Nintendo-brand electric rodents and Italian man-children in favor of a hot blonde chick named Samus who wears a super-powered robotic suit of armor that she uses to battle evil space dragons. If you find any part of that character description less than awesome get yourself to a doctor immediately because there’s something wrong with you. As a bonus the DS’ touchscreen technology would allow you introduce Samus to the stylus in all sorts of fun and sensual new ways.

Your Chances of Playing This Game: Most likely

The recently released Metroid Prime 3 contained this hidden message…




…which could be taken one of two ways. Either Metroid Dread is still in development or Retro Studios (the makers of the newer 3D Metroid Prime games) simply get their giggles sadistically rubbing salt in 2D Metroid fan’s wounds. Nintendo representatives have denied the existence of a new 2D Metroid, but Nintendo reps would deny water is wet unless it was confirmed at an official press conference with the President of Nintendo, Shigeru Miyamoto and the Pope present.


StarCraft Ghost

You know those legions of ant-sized grunts you’d cruelly send marching to their bloody demise in Starcraft? Well it turns out one of those grunts was actually a sexy girl named Nova with a penchant for ass-clinging outfits. Who knew? At least this explains why slaughtering Zerglings was always so damn arousing.

How Much Ass Would this Game Kick?

We’ve already been over Blizzard’s awesomeness in detail and if they were to devote even a fraction of the same time and effort to Starcraft Ghost's gameplay that they clearly sunk into lovingly rendering agent Nova's taut bountiful butt cheeks...




...then this game may well cure cancer if it ever sees the light of day.

Your Chances of Playing This Game: Outlook not so good

Early in 2006 Starcraft Ghost was put on “indefinite hold” but like the creepy dude who won’t get out of his ex’s bushes, Blizzard just seems to be incapable of letting this one go. Hell, supposedly Blizzard has a full-sized statue of the game’s protagonist Nova sitting in their lobby.




When a company has errected a towering camel-toe flashing statue of a character near the front door of their headquarters that can usually be taken as a good sign they may still have plans for them. If there still are future plans for Starcraft Ghost they’ve almost certainly been put on hold though as Blizzard is currently working their asses off on a little game called Starcraft II. In other words if you’re dead set on masturbating to Starcraft units in the near future you’re probably best off buying Starcraft II and a magnifying glass.


Duke Nukem Forever

It’s a testament to the ridiculous length of time this game has been in development that if you were to ask your average gamer today if they’re looking forward to Duke Nukem Forever their response would likely be “what the hell’s a ‘Duke Nukem’ and why were retarded people allowed to name it?”

To answer the question, Duke Nukem is a dude with big muscles, a blonde flattop and a pair of shades that totally would have got chicks 15 years ago to drop their acid-wash jeans. When he wasn’t ogling partially nude strippers he was shooting non-threatening cartoonish aliens while spouting PG-13 level profanity. Oh fudge yeah, if you were 12 years old in the early 90s Duke Nukem was your wet dreams made pixely reality. Sadly ol’ Duke hasn’t left that era as Duke Nukem Forever has been in development since April of 1997.

How Much Ass Would this Game Kick?

Unfortunately for Duke Nukem Forever, its endless delays have rendered it a bit of a laughing stock. At this point most gamers assume that if the game ever comes out the box will be filled with malaria bacteria and actually playing it will rank as an experience up there with having your dog die or getting dental surgery.

There’s reason to be optimistic though. The makers of Duke Nukem, 3D Realms, have a long and impressive track history. As developers and publishers these guys had a huge hand in creating the entire first-person shooter genre, and their recent games have been good to excellent. If you want a game where you blow some shit up real good, these guys can deliver. Besides, these days a Duke Nukem game would be free to be a towering monument to juvenile humor in a way the series couldn’t 10 years ago. Don’t the 12 year olds of today (or those still 12 years old at heart) deserve this?

Your Chances of Playing This Game: When killer mutant pigs fly

3D Realms seem to be stuck in some sort of time paradox whereby Duke Nukem Forever was nearly finished when they started and the more they work on it the further and further it gets from being done. Need proof? Here’s a trailer from 1998…

Holy shit! Actual gameplay and plenty of it too! Hell, this game looks near completion and by 1998 standards pretty damn good. Let’s move onto 2001 and another trailer for the game.

While it provided the splattered grey matter and blow-up doll resembling women Duke Nukem connoisseurs demand, this trailer appears to be made up almost entirely of cut scenes with little actual gameplay on display. Now let’s flash forward to a recent 2007 trailer.

Say goodbye to gameplay or even cutscene footage, say hello to a pre-rendered movie of Duke sitting on his ass amidst a black featureless expanse lifting a dumbbell. A rather girlishly small dumbbell at that. We’ll give you a moment to let your excitement boners subside. If 3D Realms doesn’t manage to escape this backwards paradox they’re stuck in someone will ask them about Duke Nukem Forever in a year or two and they’ll scratch their heads in bewilderment then demand to know what a “Duke Nukem” is and why retarded people were allowed to name it.

Nathan Birch also writes the always promptly updated webcomic Zoology.